In case you’re still following…

Well, still chugging along on this IVF cycle.  Things are going great, so far.

I had my egg retrieval yesterday.  I was not ready for that, I’ll get to that in a bit.

So, because I don’t have any “fertility issues” besides tubal factor issues (blocked tubes), Mini-IVF was suggested and encouraged by the IVF team at the clinic I am going to.  Minimal stimulation is pretty much the gist of it.  Part of it also, because there is minimal stimulation, there aren’t as many eggs, egg retrieval isn’t done under anesthesia.

Well, let me tell ya, that was a fun ride.  Next, to childbirth, it was pretty intense.  I think I scared myself more than what it actually was, but trust me, it was no walk in the park.  Ladies, if anyone is reading this and you have gone through this more than once.  You are a saint.  As I laid there every painful moment was absolutely worth it.  That’s what got me through it.  The possibilities.  Isn’t that true for most of the things in life?  Maybe the initial moment isn’t the greatest, but what could come of it brings such hope and inspiration, that the current is worth it.  Always worth it.

After the egg retrieval, that part was over, but next, came another worrying stage.  By the way, let me add, I like so many others were completely ignorant to this whole process.  It has been an eye-opener, to say the least.  So, with mini-IVF, I produced nine eggs.  Now, came the worrying.  Were they all mature?

I received a call today, they’re all mature!  Seven are inseminated and the other two look like they may be on their way, just a little slow with the growing.  (The clinic also does assisted hatching.)  That was definitely the good news for today.  Now, the anticipation of every call until Monday (the day of transfer) is a new worry.  Are they splitting the way they are supposed to?

Ya know, we take so much for granted.  Our bodies are such wondrous places that we just “know” will do what they’re supposed to.  Actually going through this process and making it this far, has been a wonderful experience.  I can’t say all the aches and pains have been fun, but they’ve been worth it.  Whatever comes of my journey is absolutely worth it.

It’s made me appreciate life.  I look at my children a bit differently now.  “All the things you had to go through on a cellular level to make it to me”.  Isn’t that amazing?

It’s put into perspective how incredibly small myself and my problems are in the grand scheme of things.  The universe is ginormous, and I am but a little spec that made it.  We all are.  That in itself is a beautiful story.  If nothing else, the fact that with so many odds against us, with so many things that could have gone wrong.  We are here.  No matter how, whether it be through good old fashioned business or modern science.  Many will argue the two, for me, it isn’t up for debate.  Fact is, we… made… it.

I hope and pray that everyone that wants their own little spec, gets it.  I hope and pray the same for myself and my family.  I hope and pray that my little spec, whichever of all my nine, makes it.  I hope to be a better human just for the new enlightenment.  I hope that all of us specs go through life and experience things that give us new hope when we need it.  That we may go through things that breathe a new spirit into us when we need it the most.

More than anything, I want to create beautiful moments.  Stories I can tell my children when I am 80 years old sitting on my rocking chair thinking back on life.  How they were all different, so incredibly wanted, so incredibly loved.  Maybe their stories of how they all came about are different.  Neither was wanted less or more, some may have just taken a little bit more work with a dash of science magic.  Yeah, those are all such great moments to want to go through.

This was one of my moments.

If you’re still on this journey with me.  I appreciate’cha.  If you just stumbled upon it for the first time, I appreciate’cha too.  Welcome to the random ramblings of I.  I don’t have life figured out, I can’t say I ever will.  I don’t think I want to figure life out.  I just want to live life better every day.

 

My little eggs.20190117_154315

 

Here we go again …

So, I’m back to sort of randomly ramble through some thoughts again.

Cycle two for our IVF journey will start soon, I actually start my meds on January the 6th.  So, that should be fun.

I started my period on time, this time!  (Funny how the most random things are such major victories.)  But yes, I was on a full cycle of the birth control pills this time (after the last failed cycle due to starting my period while stimming).  I wasn’t supposed to stop my birth control pills until today actually but when I met with my Dr. a little before they ordered my meds for this cycle, he said he wanted me to stop them sooner than my calendar showed.  We just weren’t really sure how my body would react and whether or not it would be hard headed again.  So far, seems like I am on the right track.  I’m not sure I even know what “the right track” is.  So, I guess on paper, things look good.

Well, since I pretty much went a full cycle last time “stimming” (using the stimulating meds).  That pretty much went to waste.  Just received my new meds in the mail and besides the ginormous box, the ginormous cost again was a WHOA moment.

Sad, how a lot of insurances don’t offer that type of coverage.  You don’t realize how short-changed some things really are until you need/want them.

The beauty of our health care system *in the most sarcastic tone I could muster up*.

I’m also fighting a weird head cold with the most frustrating dry cough of my life.

These are the fun time’s people, and if you’re here for the ride with me, I appreciate’cha!20190103_154710

 

Repairing with gold

I was utterly confused when I first started my rant of confusion.  I’m a little less confused now but this is just my follow up confusion rant.  Confused?  Ok, welcome to the club!

Well, starting my period mid-stims (stimulating medicine) wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did, and it threw everything off.  That is my nutshell explanation.  So, now I’m back on the birth control pill and waiting for my new calendar (schedule for IVF treatments).  At least now I know what to look for prior to starting stims (same goes for my Dr.)  We both figured period would just be absent when it didn’t show up.  Nope, it showed up fashionably late, super late according to their calendar of predictions.  However, it was right on time according to my regular period cycle.  Still weird, but hey, at least now I know.  Such is life, and such is my life.  I am convinced Murphy should have been my middle name.  Murphy’s law favors me greatly.

I remember sitting in the Dr.’s office waiting for him to come in and all I could think about was “this is it, I’m broken”.  I even asked him, it was a better way of getting my answer without a random outburst of cries, so per my usual, masked it with humor and sarcasm.  “I’m broken doc, that’s it, right?  I don’ screwed myself all up and that’s just it”.  He chuckled a bit and said “We’re all broken, but nah, this isn’t a it’s broken scenario.  This is a, we gotta find the right fit scenario”.

Funny how that fits into life right?  We all have our own struggles and in hindsight, they appear to have been small molehills, but man, when you’re right there in the midst of it all, they’re Mount Everest.  Somewhere along the lines of life’s journey, we go through things and convince ourselves that we are broken.  Maybe it makes the journey a bit more bearable.  Or, maybe we convince ourselves that we are broken so that if we stutter-step a few times, we’ve already got an excuse in our pockets.  “I’m broken, I knew that would happen”.

Well, we are all broken in our own ways.  Isn’t that the beauty of it all though?  We have our own stories and our own experiences.  What we consider to be absolutely broken and a waste is what will ultimately make us magnificent.  The alterations to what we consider to be damaged are what will tell our story.  It’s what will show our true beauty in the end.  The Japanese practice of “kintsukuroi”, to repair with gold.  It is the art of fixing broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful after having been broken.

We don’t give ourselves enough credit.  Creation was our beginning but it isn’t where we end up.

Watching the clay being molded into the pot is admirable, but we don’t really know what it will be until the entire process is complete.  What qualities will it have?  What color will it be?  What purpose will it serve?

So, maybe I am broken.  I do know that through that brokenness, I am a better me.  That brokenness was to my benefit. We omit some of the unnecessary as we break.  Those little particles of what we knew, that not even a dustpan can get up, are gone.  We won’t focus on those as we move forward and collect what is salvageable.  We will focus on the big pieces that come together and I will fill them with silver and gold.  I will piece them together to tell my story, to show my journey, to create my time in this space.  I will reclaim what is still me but I will accept what will make me more well-formed.  Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, all the repairs will saturate my core.  My renewal through those repairs will go to my soul.

I am magically and wonderfully made.  I am magically and wonderfully broken.  I am magically and wonderfully mending.

So, if you started following to take this journey with me, this is as far as I’ve gotten.  Just chugging along.

adult arts and crafts clay dirty
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

Life – 135489645663 Me – 0

Just when I think I have life figured out, I realize I don’t.

If you read a previous post of mine, you would have seen I mentioned something about “life happening” and I chose to start a blog.

Short version?  Sure, why not.  For my sanity’s sake and for your time’s sake, I’ll have to break situations down individually as time passes.  Ready?  Ok, here we go.

My children are 19, 17, and 14 (almost 15).  I had my children very young and I am now 34.  I am remarried and we are planning more children.  Well, life obstacle number 23085720.  Due to my previous marriage and lots of yucky (yes I said yucky) things that went on there (remember, short version) I had a tubal ligation after my child.  (My oldest is a son, and I have a daughter who is my middle child, and lastly, another son).

After years of embracing solitude and just accepting the fact that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, I met my wonderful, patient, loving husband.  Convinced myself I wouldn’t get married again, well, I’m married now.  Convinced myself I wouldn’t have more kids, well, actively trying now.

This portion is going to continue on about that journey and where I’m up to now with it (you see I got sidetracked).

Anyhow, back to the short version details.  I had a tubal ligation (tubes tied) in May of 2004.  Fast forward to February of 2018 and I had my tubes untied (tubal ligation reversal), the medical term is tubal reanastomosis.  Should have been it right?  Bam!  Baby time?  Nope!

I had to lose a significant amount of weight before they would even consider the tubal reanastamosis.  So, 145 lbs. down later, I am eligible for the surgery.  Everything went well, the surgeon said everything looked great, I have a great egg reserve still, hormones are great, nothing looks to be hindering me from having more babies, and I’m actually really excited.  I didn’t think I would be in this place again but I am.

Six months after the tubal ligation reversal, still no baby.  They say actively trying couples should wait at least a year.  I felt something in my gut wasn’t right and I attempted to go back to the Dr.  Well, my husband is military and they said nope, have to wait a year.  (Some Tricare rules for referring patients out mumbo-jumbo yadda yadda, Ok, I get it).  So, I make an appointment on my own elsewhere with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) because I can feel that something is off and I just need answers.

Turns out, I have “blocked tubes”.  Distal tubal occlusion is the fancy term for it.  First heartbreak during this whole ordeal regarding the baby situation because I thought for sure we were on the right path.  This was one of the many times I found myself internet searching for random possibilities at all hours of the night and day.  Is tubal reanastomosis painful?  How long is the recovery?  When should we start trying for a baby?  Best ways to get pregnant?  Best positions to get pregnant?  Does having sex during different moon phases increase the chances of fertility?  BSF and pregnant?  Using soft cups after sex?  Should I stand on my head after we have sex?  How long do I keep my legs up after we have sex?  How many days DPO should I test?  HCG negative on CD28, could I still be pregnant?  My internet searches became borderline obsessive.

 

When I searched tubal ligation reversal follow up, what I found repeatedly was “wait a year and then have an HSG done” (an HSG is an x-ray type of procedure done where dye is inserted into the uterine cavity and then monitored to see if there is spillage in the uterine cavity or through fallopian tubes).  I didn’t see much information on “if you feel something is wrong, go with that feeling and be your best advocate”.  Well, that’s why I’m here.  If you’re reading this, doesn’t matter what it’s about if you truly in your gut feel something is off, go with that.  I even got sucked into the warp of search engine endless searches for “how accurate is the HSG procedure?”  “Tubal spasm during HSG?”  Let me tell ya, this process is not fun.  My heart goes out to the many individuals suffering from reproductive issues.  I can’t begin to imagine the many months and years of internet search torment you have had to endure if this is just the beginning of what seems like the insanity for me.

After my HSG, I decided it would be best to go on to mini-ivf.  Well, here I am midcycle and still as flipping confused as I was on day one.  I went to the Dr. today and I’ve started my period.  Yeah, don’t think that is supposed to happen considering I’ve been on meds for the past two weeks and prior to that birth control pills for three weeks.  The meds I’m on are called “stims”.  Trust me when I say I’m not familiar with all the TTC (trying to conceive) acronyms.  I do know that my cycle is supposed to be controlled by my Dr. and I’m not supposed to be on my period right now.

I am literally typing this out with no real answers.  I go back to the Dr. on Friday for a follow-up and he will determine what our next step is.  What that is?  Who knows, at this point, he could tell me to climb into a purple spaceship with yellow neon lights and I’d probably know more about aliens than I would about how we can finally have this baby.

We can take this journey together if I haven’t lost you with my random rants already.

I’m holding out hope for this journey…

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Photo by Lynnelle Richardson on Pexels.com

Life …

I found myself lost on the internet for about half of my day.  Today’s life moment was a bit emotional for me and I was hoping to find some insight somewhere on the internet that could give me some kind of hope.  I found nothing.

After searching and searching I found myself tossing the idea back and forth about “maybe it’s time to start a blog”.  Now, mind you, I’ve tossed this idea around more times than I can recall, there’s just something so personal and deep about sharing some of life’s most intimate, painful, happy, sad, frustrating (and all the in between) moments.

Well, jinkies!  I suppose that’s why I wasn’t able to find much about what I was looking for.  These are the moment’s nobody really wants to share.  They’re dealt with in silence.  They’re swept under the emotional rug of life and remain unsifted through when dealing with the small inconveniences of life, never the deep emotional wounds though.  We like to save those for the real self-emotional torture.  I’m naturally an introverted person, so dealing with life in solitude is one of my superpowers, next to sarcasm.  Dealing with life can be a very random thing sometimes over wine, sometimes over coffee, and sometimes it hits me when I’m trying to straighten my hair at 7am on a Monday morning.  You just never know, silly life.

Life needs to be dealt with and felt through.  Not just the happy but the sad, the painful, the neglectful, the strong, the weak… all of it.  We are reminded so often to be happy and grateful, that we feel guilty if we don’t always feel those things.  We feel like maybe we miscounted some blessings and we start talking ourselves out of the painful things we carry.  We figure if we count the positives high enough, the negatives will eventually cancel themselves out.  Usually, they do, sometimes they don’t and both are ok.

This is a blog about my life.  I hope you enjoy the ride.