I was utterly confused when I first started my rant of confusion. I’m a little less confused now but this is just my follow up confusion rant. Confused? Ok, welcome to the club!
Well, starting my period mid-stims (stimulating medicine) wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did, and it threw everything off. That is my nutshell explanation. So, now I’m back on the birth control pill and waiting for my new calendar (schedule for IVF treatments). At least now I know what to look for prior to starting stims (same goes for my Dr.) We both figured period would just be absent when it didn’t show up. Nope, it showed up fashionably late, super late according to their calendar of predictions. However, it was right on time according to my regular period cycle. Still weird, but hey, at least now I know. Such is life, and such is my life. I am convinced Murphy should have been my middle name. Murphy’s law favors me greatly.
I remember sitting in the Dr.’s office waiting for him to come in and all I could think about was “this is it, I’m broken”. I even asked him, it was a better way of getting my answer without a random outburst of cries, so per my usual, masked it with humor and sarcasm. “I’m broken doc, that’s it, right? I don’ screwed myself all up and that’s just it”. He chuckled a bit and said “We’re all broken, but nah, this isn’t a it’s broken scenario. This is a, we gotta find the right fit scenario”.
Funny how that fits into life right? We all have our own struggles and in hindsight, they appear to have been small molehills, but man, when you’re right there in the midst of it all, they’re Mount Everest. Somewhere along the lines of life’s journey, we go through things and convince ourselves that we are broken. Maybe it makes the journey a bit more bearable. Or, maybe we convince ourselves that we are broken so that if we stutter-step a few times, we’ve already got an excuse in our pockets. “I’m broken, I knew that would happen”.
Well, we are all broken in our own ways. Isn’t that the beauty of it all though? We have our own stories and our own experiences. What we consider to be absolutely broken and a waste is what will ultimately make us magnificent. The alterations to what we consider to be damaged are what will tell our story. It’s what will show our true beauty in the end. The Japanese practice of “kintsukuroi”, to repair with gold. It is the art of fixing broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful after having been broken.
We don’t give ourselves enough credit. Creation was our beginning but it isn’t where we end up.
Watching the clay being molded into the pot is admirable, but we don’t really know what it will be until the entire process is complete. What qualities will it have? What color will it be? What purpose will it serve?
So, maybe I am broken. I do know that through that brokenness, I am a better me. That brokenness was to my benefit. We omit some of the unnecessary as we break. Those little particles of what we knew, that not even a dustpan can get up, are gone. We won’t focus on those as we move forward and collect what is salvageable. We will focus on the big pieces that come together and I will fill them with silver and gold. I will piece them together to tell my story, to show my journey, to create my time in this space. I will reclaim what is still me but I will accept what will make me more well-formed. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, all the repairs will saturate my core. My renewal through those repairs will go to my soul.
I am magically and wonderfully made. I am magically and wonderfully broken. I am magically and wonderfully mending.
So, if you started following to take this journey with me, this is as far as I’ve gotten. Just chugging along.