In case you’re still following…

Well, still chugging along on this IVF cycle.  Things are going great, so far.

I had my egg retrieval yesterday.  I was not ready for that, I’ll get to that in a bit.

So, because I don’t have any “fertility issues” besides tubal factor issues (blocked tubes), Mini-IVF was suggested and encouraged by the IVF team at the clinic I am going to.  Minimal stimulation is pretty much the gist of it.  Part of it also, because there is minimal stimulation, there aren’t as many eggs, egg retrieval isn’t done under anesthesia.

Well, let me tell ya, that was a fun ride.  Next, to childbirth, it was pretty intense.  I think I scared myself more than what it actually was, but trust me, it was no walk in the park.  Ladies, if anyone is reading this and you have gone through this more than once.  You are a saint.  As I laid there every painful moment was absolutely worth it.  That’s what got me through it.  The possibilities.  Isn’t that true for most of the things in life?  Maybe the initial moment isn’t the greatest, but what could come of it brings such hope and inspiration, that the current is worth it.  Always worth it.

After the egg retrieval, that part was over, but next, came another worrying stage.  By the way, let me add, I like so many others were completely ignorant to this whole process.  It has been an eye-opener, to say the least.  So, with mini-IVF, I produced nine eggs.  Now, came the worrying.  Were they all mature?

I received a call today, they’re all mature!  Seven are inseminated and the other two look like they may be on their way, just a little slow with the growing.  (The clinic also does assisted hatching.)  That was definitely the good news for today.  Now, the anticipation of every call until Monday (the day of transfer) is a new worry.  Are they splitting the way they are supposed to?

Ya know, we take so much for granted.  Our bodies are such wondrous places that we just “know” will do what they’re supposed to.  Actually going through this process and making it this far, has been a wonderful experience.  I can’t say all the aches and pains have been fun, but they’ve been worth it.  Whatever comes of my journey is absolutely worth it.

It’s made me appreciate life.  I look at my children a bit differently now.  “All the things you had to go through on a cellular level to make it to me”.  Isn’t that amazing?

It’s put into perspective how incredibly small myself and my problems are in the grand scheme of things.  The universe is ginormous, and I am but a little spec that made it.  We all are.  That in itself is a beautiful story.  If nothing else, the fact that with so many odds against us, with so many things that could have gone wrong.  We are here.  No matter how, whether it be through good old fashioned business or modern science.  Many will argue the two, for me, it isn’t up for debate.  Fact is, we… made… it.

I hope and pray that everyone that wants their own little spec, gets it.  I hope and pray the same for myself and my family.  I hope and pray that my little spec, whichever of all my nine, makes it.  I hope to be a better human just for the new enlightenment.  I hope that all of us specs go through life and experience things that give us new hope when we need it.  That we may go through things that breathe a new spirit into us when we need it the most.

More than anything, I want to create beautiful moments.  Stories I can tell my children when I am 80 years old sitting on my rocking chair thinking back on life.  How they were all different, so incredibly wanted, so incredibly loved.  Maybe their stories of how they all came about are different.  Neither was wanted less or more, some may have just taken a little bit more work with a dash of science magic.  Yeah, those are all such great moments to want to go through.

This was one of my moments.

If you’re still on this journey with me.  I appreciate’cha.  If you just stumbled upon it for the first time, I appreciate’cha too.  Welcome to the random ramblings of I.  I don’t have life figured out, I can’t say I ever will.  I don’t think I want to figure life out.  I just want to live life better every day.

 

My little eggs.

 

Here we go again …

So, I’m back to sort of randomly ramble through some thoughts again.

Cycle two for our IVF journey will start soon, I actually start my meds on January the 6th.  So, that should be fun.

I started my period on time, this time!  (Funny how the most random things are such major victories.)  But yes, I was on a full cycle of the birth control pills this time (after the last failed cycle due to starting my period while stimming).  I wasn’t supposed to stop my birth control pills until today actually but when I met with my Dr. a little before they ordered my meds for this cycle, he said he wanted me to stop them sooner than my calendar showed.  We just weren’t really sure how my body would react and whether or not it would be hard headed again.  So far, seems like I am on the right track.  I’m not sure I even know what “the right track” is.  So, I guess on paper, things look good.

Well, since I pretty much went a full cycle last time “stimming” (using the stimulating meds).  That pretty much went to waste.  Just received my new meds in the mail and besides the ginormous box, the ginormous cost again was a WHOA moment.

Sad, how a lot of insurances don’t offer that type of coverage.  You don’t realize how short-changed some things really are until you need/want them.

The beauty of our health care system *in the most sarcastic tone I could muster up*.

I’m also fighting a weird head cold with the most frustrating dry cough of my life.

These are the fun time’s people, and if you’re here for the ride with me, I appreciate’cha!

 

Repairing with gold

I was utterly confused when I first started my rant of confusion.  I’m a little less confused now but this is just my follow up confusion rant.  Confused?  Ok, welcome to the club!

Well, starting my period mid-stims (stimulating medicine) wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did, and it threw everything off.  That is my nutshell explanation.  So, now I’m back on the birth control pill and waiting for my new calendar (schedule for IVF treatments).  At least now I know what to look for prior to starting stims (same goes for my Dr.)  We both figured period would just be absent when it didn’t show up.  Nope, it showed up fashionably late, super late according to their calendar of predictions.  However, it was right on time according to my regular period cycle.  Still weird, but hey, at least now I know.  Such is life, and such is my life.  I am convinced Murphy should have been my middle name.  Murphy’s law favors me greatly.

I remember sitting in the Dr.’s office waiting for him to come in and all I could think about was “this is it, I’m broken”.  I even asked him, it was a better way of getting my answer without a random outburst of cries, so per my usual, masked it with humor and sarcasm.  “I’m broken doc, that’s it, right?  I don’ screwed myself all up and that’s just it”.  He chuckled a bit and said “We’re all broken, but nah, this isn’t a it’s broken scenario.  This is a, we gotta find the right fit scenario”.

Funny how that fits into life right?  We all have our own struggles and in hindsight, they appear to have been small molehills, but man, when you’re right there in the midst of it all, they’re Mount Everest.  Somewhere along the lines of life’s journey, we go through things and convince ourselves that we are broken.  Maybe it makes the journey a bit more bearable.  Or, maybe we convince ourselves that we are broken so that if we stutter-step a few times, we’ve already got an excuse in our pockets.  “I’m broken, I knew that would happen”.

Well, we are all broken in our own ways.  Isn’t that the beauty of it all though?  We have our own stories and our own experiences.  What we consider to be absolutely broken and a waste is what will ultimately make us magnificent.  The alterations to what we consider to be damaged are what will tell our story.  It’s what will show our true beauty in the end.  The Japanese practice of “kintsukuroi”, to repair with gold.  It is the art of fixing broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful after having been broken.

We don’t give ourselves enough credit.  Creation was our beginning but it isn’t where we end up.

Watching the clay being molded into the pot is admirable, but we don’t really know what it will be until the entire process is complete.  What qualities will it have?  What color will it be?  What purpose will it serve?

So, maybe I am broken.  I do know that through that brokenness, I am a better me.  That brokenness was to my benefit. We omit some of the unnecessary as we break.  Those little particles of what we knew, that not even a dustpan can get up, are gone.  We won’t focus on those as we move forward and collect what is salvageable.  We will focus on the big pieces that come together and I will fill them with silver and gold.  I will piece them together to tell my story, to show my journey, to create my time in this space.  I will reclaim what is still me but I will accept what will make me more well-formed.  Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, all the repairs will saturate my core.  My renewal through those repairs will go to my soul.

I am magically and wonderfully made.  I am magically and wonderfully broken.  I am magically and wonderfully mending.

So, if you started following to take this journey with me, this is as far as I’ve gotten.  Just chugging along.

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